How To Make Friends In A New City
I spent a year living in Toronto to be with my partner while he finished up school. I always knew it would just be a year, and that making friends would be the hardest part. I put effort into making friends like one would into finding a job.
My initial approach was to ask everyone I know if they knew someone in Toronto, make a list, call up each person before I arrived, so by the time we had a coffee date there was already slightly a connection. But half of those coffee dates were flakey and I didn't see most of them again.
The realization I have come to is that our generation does not prioritize making and maintaining social connections (even though everyone is lonely). There is a lack of accountability and manners (just like in dating). They either have a partner and/or a few old friends and give their time to themselves, a career, their mental state, or another priority. I don't want to force people to prioritize me. So I accept that I just have to be the best version of myself and that in time I will attract good people.
So what have I learned after a year?
My initial approach was to ask everyone I know if they knew someone in Toronto, make a list, call up each person before I arrived, so by the time we had a coffee date there was already slightly a connection. But half of those coffee dates were flakey and I didn't see most of them again.
The realization I have come to is that our generation does not prioritize making and maintaining social connections (even though everyone is lonely). There is a lack of accountability and manners (just like in dating). They either have a partner and/or a few old friends and give their time to themselves, a career, their mental state, or another priority. I don't want to force people to prioritize me. So I accept that I just have to be the best version of myself and that in time I will attract good people.
So what have I learned after a year?
- Acceptance that this all takes time. I realized that I will be in that initial meeting people phase (what I now call "friend dating") longer than I want to be, and that this is an important first step needed to form true friendships. You have to put yourself out there.
- Say yes to events and searching for new communities. Push yourself to go to friend of friend events, Meetup/Facebook events of interest, etc. This way you may start to see some of the same people regularly and form commonality. Repetition is key to forming bonds. Ask people if there are WhatsApp or Facebook groups that you could join (like 'Inspired Women of LA'). Jordan Harbinger has a great article on how to make friends as an adult and speaks more on this.
- What environments do you best connect in? I found I would do scheduled dinners mainly with new friends after work, and that being at a restaurant can lead to a good conversation but not great connection. When the time and activity are more free flow, I feel best when I'm hanging out on a couch (what I call "causal time" vs "structured time"). That way we can be silly, open and comfortable. On the flip side if it's hard for the other person to find the time, try going along with their agenda (join them for errands, a workout, at an event, etc).
- Ask how they would like to connect. I'm a bold person, so I ask people after a first hang questions like "what is the best method of communication to keep in touch with you?" and "how do you see us hanging out?" This has been most helpful as people are honest and you see what they are willing to commit to. Answers I got ranged from "I'll invite you once a month to an event I host" to "maybe if I finally throw a party at my house" to "wanna be my weekly contact improv class buddy?"
- Create a space to invite people in. Could you host events in your living space or a nearby park/public space? What kinds of gatherings would you like to throw? A regular casual environment is key to building your own community. I always liked the idea of a weekly Sunday dinner - that way you always had an excuse to connect with friends old and new.
- Skip the small talk as much as possible. Dive right into opening yourself up and being vulnerable (but don't just vent and not let the other person talk). This will create the space for the other person to do the same and they will get a real peek into who you are. Here are lots of great conversation starter questions. Asking people for genuine advice like "what should I binge watch next on Netflix" also makes them feel valued.
- This is an opportunity to look at yourself. I used the time to better understand myself, what I truly want/value from a friendship and what blocks may be preventing that. Remember to find gratitude in where you are at and what this experience is teaching you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Connection is not about being "good enough" but about being willing enough.