How To Throw Intentional Gatherings

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We all throw events, whether it's as small as a weekly team meeting, as large as a wedding, or as intimate as a dinner party. By putting just a bit more thought into the "why" behind the gathering, you can create a better space for more connection and action.

One of the most inspiring books for me in 2019 was “The Art of Gathering” by Priya Parker. It's all about being more intentional with how you throw events and digging into their true purpose. The next time you throw an event, give this a read before you start planning.

 I took these notes a while ago just for personal use, so some of these are direct quotes (which I have not properly sourced but no copyright infringement is intended).

1. Purpose
  • Be Clear About Why You Are Meeting
    • The ‘why’ of your gathering should be specific, unique, and disputable. When we don’t examine the deeper assumptions behind why we gather, we end up skipping too quickly to replicating old, stale formats of gathering. The more focused and particular a gathering is, the more narrowly it frames itself and the more passion it arouses.
    • To help define purpose:
      • Zoom Out: It’s not just a chemistry class (for example) but a way to expose children to the organic world. What do you truly want to accomplish?
      • Drill: Ask why you are doing it, then ask why again and again until you drill down to a belief or value.
      • Reverse Engineer an Outcome: Think of what you want to be different because you gathered, and work backward from that outcome. Every meeting should be organized around the desired outcome. How do you want people to feel after this event?
      • Niche: Does it stick its neck out a little bit? Does it take a stand? Is it willing to unsettle some of the guests? Does it refuse to be everything to everyone?
      • Passover Question: Why is this night different from all other nights? 
      • Don’t multitask, make it a singular purpose.
      • What do you need in your life right now and how would a gathering serve that? Think beyond the typical reasons people gather.
    • Example purpose-defining questions:
      • Birthday Party
        • What do I want of my birthday party this year? 
        • What am I currently going through? 
        • What could my friends actually help me with? 
      • Wedding 
        • Why do we want a wedding? 
        • Who is this wedding for first? 
        • What are the values of our marriage and how could our wedding rituals reflect those beliefs? 

2. Thoughtful Invites

  • Your Purpose is Your “Bouncer”
    • Your purpose lets you know what is right and wrong for your particular event (details and attendees). Thoughtful, considered exclusion is vital to any gathering. 
    • Ask yourself: Who fits and helps fulfill the purpose? Who threatens it? Who do I feel obliged to invite? Don’t invite the obligations.
    • If someone isn’t invited and asks about it: it’s tough but the honest answer is that the event isn’t best suited for them or the size of the event limits attendees. Remember that the purpose of the event isn’t personal, it has a life of its own.

3. Space

  • The Space You Host in Matters
    • Spaces embody the vibe we are going for in our gathering. You should seek a setting that embodies the reason for your convening. When a place embodies an idea, it brings a person’s body and whole being into the experience, not only their minds. 
    • We tend to follow rigid if unwritten scripts that we associate with specific locations. For a challenge, think about where your gathering ought not take place and hold it there. You also want to displace people out of their normal habits.
    • Even in your normal conference room just moving the chairs in a different pattern or covering up white boards/signage can create a more ideal environment. 
    • Create a perimeter - close doors, remove extra chairs, etc 
    • Remember when thinking through any logistics that they must work for the purpose.


4. Hosting
  • Generous Authority as a Guiding Principle 
    • Generous authority is a way to behave that protects, equalizes, and connects your guests. It’s more than okay to set up rules and keep to the agenda that you have set for a gathering. Don’t be a laid back host, impose in a way that serves your guests and purpose. Hosting comes with power, accept it and embrace it. If you don’t take the power, one of the guests will.
    • Make introductions and genuine compliments to people who may not know each other early in the night. Always introduce yourself but keep it short to name and one share/fact. Try mixing up the seating to separate people that know each other to facilitate purpose driven conversation.
    • It’s your job to anticipate and intercept people’s tendencies when they’re not considering the betterment of the whole of the group or the experience. Show rule breakers they are thinking of themselves, not the group. For example in a conference if they enter a session late, they have to sing or do a push up. Make sure the punishment fits the group, event, and is still lighthearted/fun.


5. Priming
  • Pregame is Everything
    • Priming can be as simple as a slightly interesting invitation, as straightforward as asking your guests to do something instead of bring something. Maybe send an inspiring article to the attendees or introduce them in a fun way to one another in an email. You need to attend to your guests in this pregame window in proportion to the risk and effort you are demanding of them. The pregame should show in guests any special behaviors you want to blossom right at the outset.
    • Name of Event - to name a gathering affects the way people perceive it. The name signals what the purpose of the event is, and it also prepares people for their role and level of expected participation.
    • Part of the job of the pregame is to find ways, implicit and explicit, to communicate to your guests what they’re signing up for by saying yes to the invitation. You never want your guests to think, “Hey! I never signed up for this.” 
    • For example, on a wedding weekend send a welcome note with a unique line for each person like “go find Joan and ask her about skiing in Denver.” This asks guests to perform a task that isn’t really a task so much as an attempt to get them in the mood.


6. Tone
  • Create a Passageway 
    • Transition into the space - One way to help people leave their other worlds and enter yours is to walk them through a passageway, physical or metaphorical. It can be as simple as the act of taking off shoes or personally greeting everyone at the door.
    • Close the event - Think about how the event will end and it shouldn’t be with a whimper. First, you can encourage the guests to make meaning and reflect on what happened. Second, you can have guests share how they are going to reenter the world with the new information they’ve received from the gathering. It’s about connecting our gatherings back to our daily lives. Think of a “last call” (soft close) to prepare them for the party’s soon end. This can be through giving a toast, finding a creative way to remind people of the themes of the evening, or, having some way for people to give final thoughts. Whatever your final moment is, it should be authentic and should make sense of your context. Instead of generic thank-yous, try to honor people in a way that the rest of the guests will value. 
    • Logistics Second - Start and end the event talking about its purpose, what the events means to you (exemplify vulnerability), the attendees (how they are connected, who they are) and then talk logistics. Always give attendees an outline of what they are about to experience.
    • Create Healthy Controversy (when appropriate) - Try to break a small social norm or taboo topic. Ask yourself: What are people avoiding that they don’t think they’re avoiding? What are the sacred cows here? What goes unsaid? What are we trying to protect? And why? What is the gift in broaching this issue? And what is the risk? Is it worth it? And can we handle it with care?
      • When things would get heated, try to help them slow down and go “below the iceberg.” Rather than looking at the specific incidents and events above the water line, how do those moments reveal their underlying beliefs, values, and needs?
    • Set Rules and Enforce Them - Each gathering creates an opportunity for the thoughtful host to temporarily create a specific world for a group that they open, spend time in, and then close. Rules help create the world, and should make sense for the group (ie they would be open to following them). You could also get them to participate in creating the rules as a way to begin naming and acknowledging past behaviors at some of their meetings that served to shut people down.
      • Examples: 
        • You can’t pour your own drink
        • Assign roles to guests like Wine and Water Minister of the table
        • Switch tables after every speaker
        • Meet two new people and find three things you have in common
        • If you arrive late for the second half of the conference you have to do 10 push-ups 
        • You can’t share a story anyone here already knows