Questions to Explore With Your Partner

If you can't tell, I love asking questions. They are like portals to new worlds. 

In wanting to dive deeper into connecting with romantic partners, below are some compiled questions to consider asking to one another. Make it a date by creating a space to be still, listen, engage and learn from one another. You may think you know someone but there is always more to discover!

36 Questions to Fall in Love with Someone
(from The New York Times)

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Questions to Ask With Your Partner
(Relationship Building from Impact Theory)

1. In 3 words, what was your first impression of me?
2. Would you have dated me if we met five years before we did?
3. When we first met, did you have any concerns about dating me? What were they?
4. Who would you rather die first? Me or you?
5. What 3 words would describe your partner?
6. If I was game for anything... what would a perfect day together look like?
7. If you could spend a day in my body/ head, what would you do?
8. What do you value most in life that you would never give up?
9. What’s the one thing you consider a deal breaker in our relationship?
10. What’s one embarrassing thing that has happened to you that I would be surprised to hear?
11. Would you trust me in a room full of opportunistic and flirtatious people?
12. If you had to choose ONE thing you never want me to STOP doing for you, what would it be?
13. If you had to choose ONE thing you want me to START doing for you, what would it be?
14. What’s something I do that you’ll just never understand?
15. What’s the one thing you think I don’t support you on? How can I better support you on that?
16. What’s one quality you think holds me back?
17. If my best friend flirted with you, would you tell me?
18. What is one pet peeve you have about me that you would change in a heartbeat?
19. What does your ideal sex life look like? What do you think your partner’s ideal sex life looks like?
20. What’s the worst thing about being with me?
21. Where do you actually see our relationship in five years?
22. What are the top three traits you thought you wanted in a partner that I don’t have?
23. What could I do that would make you reconsider our entire relationship?
24. What’s the one concern you have about us being together for life?
25. Alpha or beta. Which one am I in our relationship? Which one should I be?

Bonus Questions (not from Impact Theory):

• When was the last time you didn’t trust me and what could I have done differently?
• What can I do to prove that I am committed to you and our relationship?
• What are the differences between our definitions of trust and commitment - and how can we resolve them?
• What are you favorite sexual experiences you and I have shared?

The 36 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Having Kids
(from the Longest Shortest Time podcast)

1. Did you do any babysitting growing up? How much? How did you like it? Would you like to do that forever?
2. What is your wildest dream when you see yourself with your child?
3. What names do you think are awesome?
4. What last name will our kid/s have?
5. Which do you think would make you happier — going out to eat with or without our child, and why?
6. Would we let our son go to kindergarten in a dress?
7. Exactly how much harder do you think is it to have kids than to have cats?
8. What should our kid’s relationship with technology be? At what age should our kid get their first cell phone? Computer in their room? VR headset?
9. What lifestyle standards do you have today that you have to keep, or you won’t be able to function? How would we accommodate those things, especially during the first few years?
10. What is your understanding of co-parenting? What does it look like to you?
11. If I get the better job that would mean our family has to move, do you willingly follow, or will you resent me, so I won’t even consider it in the first place?
12. What challenges do you think will arise if we are a multiracial family?
13. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had a partner kid with whom I could share… “
14. When we learn the sex of our child, either before or after birth, what significance will that have for you? (And what impact might it have on our parenting?)
15. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about the future kid, or the future of the planet in general, what would you want to know?
16. How many?
17. How do you feel when you attend a baby shower?
18. What would/should we do with abnormal blood tests/genetic tests/ultrasound findings?
19. How long could you imagine us not having sex before you’d think something is wrong? What’s the longest you’d be OK going without sex with me?
20. Do you consider yourself more of an introvert or an extrovert? What if our kid is very different from us in this or other ways?
21. What counts as spoiling?
22. How can I show you gratitude when I’m a sleep deprived zombie bending towards resentment?
23. What’s an appropriate punishment or consequence for a child hitting you? How would we approach discipline on our family?
24. Will we be the kind of family that can talk about farts?
25. What are some of the things—messages, behaviors, beliefs—you learned from your parents that you would like to keep, and what are some you’d like to change, do better, or different?
26. What is the thing you most hope to replicate from your own upbringing?
27. What role do you see your parents playing in our lives after the baby is born?
28. What are the things that you imagine you would be unwilling to give up or change about yourself, even for your children, even for me?
29. How would the class identity of our kid compare to the one you had growing up? How do you feel about meeting the expectations or disappointments that come with that?
30. What difficulties from your own childhood are you, quietly, in the back of your mind, trying to fix by not raising children who are not suffering in this way?
31. How did your parents divide parenting responsibilities (like sick days, snow days, or washing the dishes)? How would we want to change that?
32. What if we have a kid and it’s not great? Will we feel like we ruined our lives?
33. Who is the person who strongly influenced your view about the reality of family life or parent-child relationships?
34. What do you think about couples counseling?
35. How do we plan to say connected?
36. Imagine it’s 20 years from now, and we’re sitting in this same spot talking about our kid. What would that conversation be like? Let’s act it out.